Inner Child - Are you there?

I have been struggling a lot lately with feelings of anger. I have come to the determination that these feelings are from the overwhelming sadness that I have been internalizing for years now. This sadness stems all the way back to when I was a small child. I can not pin point the reason or reasons for this sadness, but I do know that it is time to let it go and replace it with love.

Yesterday I had a private session at Healing Waters QiGong Center in Hudson, WI with QiGong Master Healer Denise Gunderson. Now this is not my first session with Denise, but it certainly was a powerful one. I felt the need to tell Denise about all of my anger and sadness and my desire to let it all go. I prefer not to go into all of the details of my session, but it was one of release and relief.

I visited myself as a young child and embraced who I was then and who I am today. To my surprise I am still the same child in a grown up world and a grown up body. I left my session feeling so much lighter and with the intent of receiving back the love that I constantly pour out towards others.

It is in my nature to share my love and knowledge in life with others, but I seem to shut the door on receiving it back. I learned that people get as much from sending love and support to me as I do giving it to them. I have made a promise to myself to try to make sure I am open to receiving what life has to offer up and to take care of the inner child in me.

Life Is Not Always A Comparison Of Apples To Apples

Whenever I tell our daughter, Emily's, story to people I most commonly get a response of: "I don't know how you do it?" I am always puzzled by this response because I don't know how not to do it? I guess I could do nothing for Emily and she would have a poor quality of life, or I could put her into an institution, or we could just give up and let her wither away. But none of those options ever have or will cross my mind. Emily is our first child so I guess I didn't realize how life could be different until her sister came along.

Just like the dynamics of any family, our two girls are so incredibly different that there is no true comparison of apples to apples. So when I am asked by a friend or stranger the question of "how do you do it?" I simply reply that "my life has challenges just like theirs and that you just deal with what you have been dealt". I also remember that not one single person in this world totally knows what it is like to walk in my shoes and I don't know what it is like to walk in theirs. Although others may experience similar struggles, their life can never truly be compared to mine.

I appreciate empathy when times are tough and celebrate when times are great. I try to think of our life as being the 'norm' and that makes it easier for me to get through the tough times. So, no matter how similar a situation might seem to you just remember that life is not always a comparison of apples to apples. Reach out to those in need and tell them it WILL get better and show your support for their struggles. But please do not assume that you understand what they are going through for they are truly the only ones who know how they feel.

Parenting A Special Needs Child Is A Challenge

Oh, where do I even begin? Being a parent is definitely the hardest "job" I have even done. I always wanted to have children and thought that it couldn't be any harder than babysitting - right? Boy was I ever wrong. No matter what your child's challenges are it is difficult. I have people say to me all of the time "how do you do it, how do you survive the constant roller coaster ride, the lack of sleep, the unknown?". I say to them, "you just do it". I could give up as a parent and turn my child over to foster care or make her a ward of the state or even institutionalize her, but what good would that do? I am still her mother and would long for her, to hold her, to try to make things better for her, to love her unconditionally.

In our house each day is a new challenge. Our daughter, Emily struggles with intractable multi-focal complex partial seizures (wow that is a mouth full). What that means in laymen terms is that her seizures are not controlled by medication. And what that means to Emily is that she has to take five different seizure medications plus the Vagus Nerve Stimulator (VNS) that she has implanted in her chest and neck for seizure control.

In addition to the seizures Emily struggles with cerebral palsy (hypotonia), global developmental delays, cortical visual impairment, gastronomy tube (g-tube) and major sleeping issues. The cause for all of Emily's struggles is still unknown. She has gone through literally hundreds of tests to try to find a reason for her seizures and everything else. Nothing has been determined on a metabolic, genetic, or any other level to point to the reason for all this chaos in her brain and body.

Just like parenting our second child, Isabelle, Emily has her ups and downs. Some days I even feel Isabelle is harder to parent than her sister. Since Emily's diagnosis is consider idiopathic (no known cause) it makes it even harder for us to figure out how to treat things. We have no way to predict what she will be able to do or not do in the future. So we have to hold on to our hopes and dreams of what we want her to do. We have to stay positive and remember that life is like a roller coaster and is full of ups and downs no matter if you have medical struggles or not.

If you are a parent of a child with special needs then you know what I am talking about here in this blog. You also need to know that you are not alone in this battle and there is at least one other person who gets your pain. I have never said to myself "why me, why Emily". I have though be sad and even angry at the situation and sometimes even at her. This anger is normal and acknowledging it is part of the process of dealing with a child who's life is not what you had hoped it to be. Anger is not okay when it is directed at the child. I know that I said that I sometimes am mad at Emily, but it is more because I can't understand what she is going through and that upsets me.

Having a child like Emily has been a great blessing too. Without Emily I would probably still be on the same path in life I was before and not liking the career path I had chosen. Emily has opened my eyes up to the world of possibility and I have learned from her so many things. I don't have to remind myself how lucky I am to be Emily's mom. I know that she is here for a purpose and I am honored to be a part of that journey. When I think of Emily I here a song in my head. The song is called "In My Daughter's Eyes" by Martina McBride:

In my daughter's eyes I am a hero
I am strong and wise and I know no fear
But the truth is plain to see
She was sent to rescue me
I see who I wanna be
In my daughter's eyes

In my daughter's eyes everyone is equal
Darkness turns to light and the
world is at peace
This miracle God gave to me gives me
strength when I am weak
I find reason to believe
In my daughter's eyes

And when she wraps her hand
around my finger
Oh it puts a smile in my heart
Everything becomes a little clearer
I realize what life is all about

It's hangin' on when your heart
has had enough
It's giving more when you feel like giving up
I've seen the light
It's in my daughter's eyes

In my daughter's eyes I can see the future
A reflection of who I am and what will be
Though she'll grow and someday leave
Maybe raise a family
When I'm gone I hope you see how happy
she made me
For I'll be there
In my daughter's eyes

So when life is hard and you are feeling beat down by all of your challenges as a parent, remember it will get better. You have been chosen to be the parent of the special child and you are not alone on your journey.

Never Judge A Book By Its Cover

I get frustrated sometimes when I overhear people talking about those around them who may look different. That different could mean the color of their skin, the way they wear their hair, how they dress, tattoos, piercings, or a disability. As a child I may have made fun of those who were different from me, but deep down inside I was quietly apologizing to them saying, "I am sorry, I only said those things to be accepted by my friends." It has never sat well with me to make fun of anyone or to ignore them when they approach me. I am a very kind spirit and attract people of all kinds to help them through their journeys in life.

Why is it that we assume that someone with tattoos or piercings or alternative looking clothing is a bad person? Those of you who have known me since childhood probably already know that I have many tattoos and once upon a time had piercings in odd places. But look at me now. Would you think that I am or was a bad person? Yes, I made some really bad choices. I dabbled in drugs of all kinds, on occasion I could be seen smoking a clove cigarette and I even participated in unmentionable things that aren't worth talking about. But can you see that from my outward appearance today?

We need to realize that many times the way we look is either a disguise for what is going on in our lives, or a way to express ourselves or it is just the way we were born. I am sure that people judged me by my appearance when I was going through my alternative phase, but if they talked to me they would have realized that at the time I was a wounded soul.

It took years of soul searching and healing to get to where and to who I am today. But the bottom line is that I was always there, I was just hiding behind my appearance. So I just ask of you today and in the future, look past outward appearances and reach out to those who a masking their pain. They are a beautiful soul on the inside and you never know what they have to offer in this world unless you reach out to them and let them know they are okay.

I am living proof of the saying, "never judge a book by its cover".

Fear of Attachment

I recently ran into a friend of mine and our conversation seemed to focus on the fear of attachment. I can completely identify with this fear since I had a fear of getting to close to Emily when she was a newborn and so sick. For some reason I was so afraid of loving her because we weren't even sure that she was going to live long. All of the possible diagnosis that we were told for her only had her living until the age of two. I was so afraid that if I loved her I would lose her and I did not think I could survive that kind of pain.

They are many other ways people can fear attachment. I have seen it happen in families where their are children from a previous marriage brought together by two people. It is feared by the grandparent of step-grandchild that the marriage might not last and they will no longer be able to see that step-grandchild.

Fear happens when a couple is trying so hard to have a baby and with each pregnancy it ends in sadness of a lost child. Fear also happens when a couple is trying so hard to adopt and as they get word that their new baby has been born it is crushed by the news of the mother decided to keep him/her. Fear also happens when a child is diagnosed with a disease and you know that their time on earth is limited, but you don't know for how long.

So why is it that we are so consumed with fear in this world? How can we change things? Well, I don't have the answer to that question, but I have some help. We must change the way we think about life. We need to appreciate every waking moment we have with each other and with the ones we love. We must remember to cherish every day with each other and turn the rest over to the universe. Once we begin to let go, we open ourselves up to receive. Don't let you life be consumed with fear, let it go and see what happens.

Take Time For Yourself - You Need It!

Why is it that we tend to focus so much on our jobs, family, projects, etc. and forget that we are just as important to take care of? When I was growing up life seemed so much more simple than it is in today's world. It seems today there are so many more activities that kids are involved in yet much less time available in each day. We have become a society of on-the-goer's and everything is about the hustle and bustle with little to no downtime.

If we do not find the time for ourselves and put it on a calendar then chances are we won't get to take that time. Two years ago I was getting really burnt out at being a stay-at-home mom. I was angry because staying home was not a choice that I had made for me. I was staying home because our oldest daughter, Emily, needed me to take her to all of her doctor's appointments and daily therapies. I was frustrated because just months before Emily arrived I had finally completed my four year degree and was on a career path.

So two years ago I decided to take my first vacation - alone! I went to Florida and stayed with a family friend and really took the time to enjoy not being a mom and reconnect with my inner spirit. It was at this point that I started to realize how important it is to take time for yourself everyday, even if it is for only a few minutes.

When I begin to get that feeling again of being burnt out I remind myself that it is okay to put everything on hold to take care of me. Other things can wait, but if I don't take care of myself and I get sick, then life will be that much more challenging for us all. So here are some of the things that I do to take care of me:

I take a shower and get ready without anyone in the bathroom everyday (no kids)
We have a weekly cleaning person come and clean so that I can focus on more important tasks
I get a massage or pedicure every other month
I treat myself to a nice haircut every six weeks or so
Sometimes I go out to eat or shopping alone
I take time to chat with friends online or on the phone
I go to the gym at least 3 times a week - sometimes more
I treat myself to a nice glass of wine at the end of the day
and so much more....

On the days and weeks that I forget to take time for myself I find that I get more agitated at things in general. I can not stress enough how important it is to pencil ourselves into our busy calendars! So next time you are feeling down, crabby, or just burnt out remind yourself that it is okay to take the time to treat yourself and refresh you mind, body, and spirit - you need it!

CaringBridge Update On My Daughter

CaringBridge / emilykargel / Welcome

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Self-control - What's That? - How Can We Regain Control?

It appears that we must be born with some self-control. How do I know this? Well, I gave my 19 month old a potato chip and watched her delicately carry it around for over 30 minutes one day as I shoveled chip after chip into my mouth. When she was half way through the chip she came over to me and said, "thank you, mama" and handed the chip to me stating that she was 'all done'. So what happens to us as we age that we lose that sense of self-control? Of course, I don't have the answer to this question but I do know that we must not forget that sometime in life we did have self-control.

Just remember that self-control is something that we can get back. Once we release our fears of whatever to the Universe we release the pressure on ourselves. It is at this point that we can begin to 'take' control so to speak and let go of the need for things that are unnecessary in our growth process.

I have recently begun to let go of things that are out of my control. Like my fear that Emily won't live a long and healthy life here with us. I have let go of the fear that we can not ever get her off of seizure medications or get her seizures under control. I have let go of the fear that we could live a 'normal' life as a family or that we couldn't function without the aid of a nurse or other help in our house.

There are other fears that I have let go of, but it would take too long to list them all. However, as I have let go of things I have begun to see my outlook on life begin to change. I have been more motivated to take time for myself (hence the Blogging) and also take more concern in how I outwardly appear to the world. I look at myself in photos and in the mirror each day and realize that I do not look like the person I want to be right here and now. I feel yucky in my own skin. I see extra weight that I have let take control. I have a scar from where I had skin cancer removed on my nose. I see age spots appearing on my face. What is all this about?? I have been so focused on our daughter with medical needs that I have forgotten to take care of myself. Now, it is time for me to take control of my life and gain some self-control at the same time.

So what am I going to do about all of this? How am I going to change? Well, the first step for me was join a gym that was out of my comfort zone. The previous gym that I belonged to was one where people were just going through the motions each day. This new gym is about energy and people being excited to be there and workout. Even the colors of the walls at this gym are bright yellow screaming energy and excitement.

I am only a few short weeks into my metamorphosis, but I am already beginning to feel lighter in mind, body and spirit. I begin every morning now by dancing to start off my day on the right foot. I look at myself closely in the mirror and say to myself that I can only control the things within my power and the rest is up to my higher power and the universe. I tell myself that it is okay to be me and that I am a beautiful person. All of my letting go has lead to a better sense of self-control during my day. I don't find myself craving things that are bad for me. I walk past things like junk food at the store that would have jumped into my cart as I walked by them feeling self-pity. I hold my head high knowing that I am in the process of feeling better from head to toe.

I believe the power of self-control is in all of us and we may not need to dig as deep as we think to tap into it. Sometimes it just takes letting go of control to regain our self-control. Try it, I dare you!

We don't always get what we want, but we get things that help us grow.

About five years ago our oldest daughter Emily was just a tiny little cluster of cells beginning to grow in my belly. I had such high hopes and dreams for the day that she would arrive and grace us all with her presence. I knew exactly the day and time she was conceived and I was already anxious to meet her. Will she look like me? Will she act like me? Will she love me? I had so many questions. The question that I did not have was what would her name be. It was clear that she was going to be called Emily Grace. It was then that I began to realize that she was making choices about her life before she even came into this world. So did she chose me to be her mom and Mike to be her dad? Yes. It was clear that we had something to offer her and she chose us.

Although be chosen was exciting to me, I was concerned that I would not be a good enough mom to Emily Grace. So, I began doing everything I could in my power to make sure I would be a perfect mom for my Emily Grace. I read everything about healthy pregnancies. I had even gone off of birth control a year before conception to clear my body of the synthetic hormones. I watched what I ate, I stopped drinking caffeine, I researched immunizations and decided they would not be a good match for Emily Grace, and much more.

By nature I am a type A personality who loves to be in control. This is not shocking to those who know me! I had prepared for Emily's birth by writing a very detailed birthing plan that included the lights being turned down low and music being played to welcome her into our world in a calming manner. So I was shocked when I was told that she was coming by emergency cesarean due to a lack of amniotic fluid and her being positioned Frank Breech (basically butt down and folded in half). I kept telling anyone that would listen, "this isn't in my birth plan, how is this possible?" I waved my birth plan around showing every nurse that came in, "see, a c-section isn't on my birth plan!" They kind of chuckled at me and said that not everything goes as planned? WHAT? I am a planner and everything I do goes as I plan it?

It was obvious that this was out of my control. Just like it was when Emily Grace chose us to be her parents. I had no control over that, but for some reason I didn't care about not being able to make that choice.

As the next few days unfolded Emily began to show us that she was coming into this world with many struggles and life lessons to learn. We began to see that she was not the child that we had envisioned would join us. I struggled with her as she was very sick and I didn't get to nurse her or really hold her much. I could see that she was a tiny little body, but I couldn't seem to feel her soul like I thought I would. I would think about all of the new mom's that would say things like I never had loved anything as much until my child was born. I thought there was something seriously wrong with me because I didn't feel that love. I didn't even feel a connection. I must be a really bad mom is all I could think.

Weeks passed by and Emily Grace spent time in three different hospitals before coming home with us a 3 months old. I would struggle at night as I would leave the NICU and go home to my own bed and leave Emily in the care of complete strangers. Sometimes we would get calls late in the night. One night we even got a call from a neurologist that blamed Emily being sick on me (not knowing that I was listening on the phone as she talked to my husband). I would go every morning to the hospital to spend the day next to Emily's bed still not feeling the presence of her soul. Where was she? Why could I as her mom not even sense her presence?

As my 30th birthday approached I thought to myself, "this is not how I envisioned spending such a monumental birthday." Emily was on her death bed in the PICU and I thought, she might be better off not staying here in this world. What do I have to offer her if I can't even feel her soul. What would her life be like and how could I deal with all of her medical issues? I just finished my college degree months before she was born and would that all go to waste for me to stay at home with her? I am not strong enough for this.

One day my mom came to the hospital to visit and asked if she could hold a prayer vigil to honor Emily Grace and celebrate her life. I thought to myself, what good would prayer even do? It doesn't work. But, whatever anything was worth a shot at this point. My mom also asked if she could have a friend come to the hospital and do Healing Touch on Emily Grace and I said, "as long as no one could see or know what she was doing." So my mom's friend came to the hospital and I saw Emily have a positive physical response to what she was doing and she wasn't even touching her. How was this possible, since Emily was in a medically induced coma?

So after my mom's friend left, I began doing my own version of what I felt was Healing Touch on Emily Grace. For the first time I began to feel her soul come around. It still wasn't in her little body, but I knew she was there fighting to stay in this world. As I continued my healing work on Emily, my husband who is pretty closed minded to that sort of stuff, saw the positive results and would ask me, "did you do your 'thing' to Emily today?" I would smile inside and respond with "yes, I did."

The prayer vigil was held for Emily and people came and wrote individual prayers for her healing and we all prayed at once in her honor. Within one week of the healing touch and prayer vigil, Emily was being sent home with us. We had all witnessed a Miracle! It was then that I began to believe in the power of prayer, positive thinking, and healing in all forms. It was at this time that I made a commitment to myself and to Emily Grace that we will fight this battle together and learn the lesson that we each need to learn this lifetime. This was my beginning to my spiritual awakening and journey that I am here to share with you and to encourage you to go on as well.

I quickly began to realize that we don't always get what we want in life, but we get things that help us evolve and grow both physically and spiritually. Life is about learning, growing, loving, and trusting that all will be okay. Have faith.

My Enlightenment - Chapter 1

Well, this is my first time to blog and I am starting this page for other mom's (and dad's) like me who are going through a shift in thinking and looking for support. A little bit about me.....

I am a wife to a wonderful husband of almost seven years. I am also a stay-at-home mom to two beautiful daughters: Emily (age 4 and Isabelle (19 mos). My four year old is a beautiful (Crystal) who has chosen to life this life with many struggles. Her biggest struggles are seizures, Cerebral Palsy, cortical visual impairment and global delays. Our youngest daughter is also a Crystal and she brings a whole new perspective to life for me through her eyes. Although my children and my husband do not define who I am, they have helped me to become the person that I am at this moment in time.

By blogging, I hope to accomplish a few things: to help open myself up more to receiving the messages of guidance from the divine powers above, help others awaken their souls/spirits with me, and provide support for people who care for and love a person with a disability who is looking for alternative ways to help them.

I hope that this blog finds you well and that you keep returning to keep the path of enlightenment open. I promise to be open and honest here and to help you and myself with the greatest intent.

Thank you for meeting me here and I hope to see you again in the future!