We don't always get what we want, but we get things that help us grow.

About five years ago our oldest daughter Emily was just a tiny little cluster of cells beginning to grow in my belly. I had such high hopes and dreams for the day that she would arrive and grace us all with her presence. I knew exactly the day and time she was conceived and I was already anxious to meet her. Will she look like me? Will she act like me? Will she love me? I had so many questions. The question that I did not have was what would her name be. It was clear that she was going to be called Emily Grace. It was then that I began to realize that she was making choices about her life before she even came into this world. So did she chose me to be her mom and Mike to be her dad? Yes. It was clear that we had something to offer her and she chose us.

Although be chosen was exciting to me, I was concerned that I would not be a good enough mom to Emily Grace. So, I began doing everything I could in my power to make sure I would be a perfect mom for my Emily Grace. I read everything about healthy pregnancies. I had even gone off of birth control a year before conception to clear my body of the synthetic hormones. I watched what I ate, I stopped drinking caffeine, I researched immunizations and decided they would not be a good match for Emily Grace, and much more.

By nature I am a type A personality who loves to be in control. This is not shocking to those who know me! I had prepared for Emily's birth by writing a very detailed birthing plan that included the lights being turned down low and music being played to welcome her into our world in a calming manner. So I was shocked when I was told that she was coming by emergency cesarean due to a lack of amniotic fluid and her being positioned Frank Breech (basically butt down and folded in half). I kept telling anyone that would listen, "this isn't in my birth plan, how is this possible?" I waved my birth plan around showing every nurse that came in, "see, a c-section isn't on my birth plan!" They kind of chuckled at me and said that not everything goes as planned? WHAT? I am a planner and everything I do goes as I plan it?

It was obvious that this was out of my control. Just like it was when Emily Grace chose us to be her parents. I had no control over that, but for some reason I didn't care about not being able to make that choice.

As the next few days unfolded Emily began to show us that she was coming into this world with many struggles and life lessons to learn. We began to see that she was not the child that we had envisioned would join us. I struggled with her as she was very sick and I didn't get to nurse her or really hold her much. I could see that she was a tiny little body, but I couldn't seem to feel her soul like I thought I would. I would think about all of the new mom's that would say things like I never had loved anything as much until my child was born. I thought there was something seriously wrong with me because I didn't feel that love. I didn't even feel a connection. I must be a really bad mom is all I could think.

Weeks passed by and Emily Grace spent time in three different hospitals before coming home with us a 3 months old. I would struggle at night as I would leave the NICU and go home to my own bed and leave Emily in the care of complete strangers. Sometimes we would get calls late in the night. One night we even got a call from a neurologist that blamed Emily being sick on me (not knowing that I was listening on the phone as she talked to my husband). I would go every morning to the hospital to spend the day next to Emily's bed still not feeling the presence of her soul. Where was she? Why could I as her mom not even sense her presence?

As my 30th birthday approached I thought to myself, "this is not how I envisioned spending such a monumental birthday." Emily was on her death bed in the PICU and I thought, she might be better off not staying here in this world. What do I have to offer her if I can't even feel her soul. What would her life be like and how could I deal with all of her medical issues? I just finished my college degree months before she was born and would that all go to waste for me to stay at home with her? I am not strong enough for this.

One day my mom came to the hospital to visit and asked if she could hold a prayer vigil to honor Emily Grace and celebrate her life. I thought to myself, what good would prayer even do? It doesn't work. But, whatever anything was worth a shot at this point. My mom also asked if she could have a friend come to the hospital and do Healing Touch on Emily Grace and I said, "as long as no one could see or know what she was doing." So my mom's friend came to the hospital and I saw Emily have a positive physical response to what she was doing and she wasn't even touching her. How was this possible, since Emily was in a medically induced coma?

So after my mom's friend left, I began doing my own version of what I felt was Healing Touch on Emily Grace. For the first time I began to feel her soul come around. It still wasn't in her little body, but I knew she was there fighting to stay in this world. As I continued my healing work on Emily, my husband who is pretty closed minded to that sort of stuff, saw the positive results and would ask me, "did you do your 'thing' to Emily today?" I would smile inside and respond with "yes, I did."

The prayer vigil was held for Emily and people came and wrote individual prayers for her healing and we all prayed at once in her honor. Within one week of the healing touch and prayer vigil, Emily was being sent home with us. We had all witnessed a Miracle! It was then that I began to believe in the power of prayer, positive thinking, and healing in all forms. It was at this time that I made a commitment to myself and to Emily Grace that we will fight this battle together and learn the lesson that we each need to learn this lifetime. This was my beginning to my spiritual awakening and journey that I am here to share with you and to encourage you to go on as well.

I quickly began to realize that we don't always get what we want in life, but we get things that help us evolve and grow both physically and spiritually. Life is about learning, growing, loving, and trusting that all will be okay. Have faith.